


Woolie (Spaghetti) Western!

by SLTventures



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-02 07:52:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18806896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SLTventures/pseuds/SLTventures
Summary: Inspired by the episode when Chas and Charity confronted Paddy and Vanessa by the toilets in the Woolpack. The swing doors made me think of a Western. And prior to that when Chas and Charity were stood behind the bar, I swopped them about and thought of them as sparing women backing up to each other in a Western.Please suspend disbelief at some of the story, such as women probably were not in saloons as customers in the 1800s of Western's! Otherwise enjoy, and please comment what you thought about it. It grew as I wrote it this last week, not always turning out quite how I intended but I hope it works!





	Woolie (Spaghetti) Western!

Charity was crouched behind the bar, but now it had gone quiet, she stood up, placed her hands firmly on her hips, and stood her feet hip-width apart on the sawdust covered wooden floor.  
This was her favourite place in the saloon, dead central within the pulpit-like sacred space.  
This area marginally helped her and her staff feel safe from marauding drunken punters, who frequently launched themselves across the bar, thinking staff were easy pickings, being within arms-reach.  
From here she could cast her eye all around the public area, without looking like she was obviously staring at folk. Her eyes scanned the room now in bemusement. It had been peaceful only a moment ago, but she knew from old how quickly fights broke out here.  
“Oww!” whined Sam.  
Paddy, Marlon and Sam were cowering under their table over to the left. However, the table wasn’t large enough to cover all three of them successfully.  
“Huh, you big baby” Paddy scoffed, wedging himself further under the table, as he shoved Sam out of the way.  
“SHUT THE HELL UP, YA GOOD FOR NUTHIN’ NEWTS!” Cain bellowed across the room, giving them a filthy look that matched his filthy face. He hadn’t washed for a week, he didn’t care, he didn’t want folk gettin’ close to him anyway.  
“Ssshhh!” Marlon silently mimed at them both, with his right forefinger pressed to his lips, his eyes wide with panic.  
A few moments before, Cain had barrelled through the saloon swing doors, shouting the odds, all guns blazing. He’d lurched through the room, bouncing off the chairs as he zig-zagged his way to the bar, looking like a live pin ball machine, through the maze of shocked onlookers.  
Most of the punters had dived for cover as best they could.  
The saloon girls - Kerry, Bernice, Tracey and Dawn were stood on the make-shift stage, clad in their figure-hugging shiny dresses. Their hands poised holding the hem of their cancan skirts up, mouths agog, as they tried to make sense of what was happening. They were frozen still, wanting to flee or hide like the rest of the punters, but afraid if they did they’d cause even more of a stir.  
Rodney moseyed on over to where Cain stood. He moved as though to flick his cigar ash on Cain’s boots, but changed at the last minute to an ash tray perched on the bar top. “Now listen ere ya daft fella, I jus came in ere to bend an elbow or two, have a quiet game of cards with ma mates, boy!.....What you go disturbing the peace for eh? You got nothin’ better to do with ya day than cause trouble for trouble’s sake?” Rodney asked.  
Cain glared at him, smirked, and grabbed Rodney by his neckerchief, while now grinning like a madman. “Yew still feelin’ brave now old man? Are you’s wan’in to feel my fist in yaw eye? Are yew?” Cain taunted, as he raised his other hand ready to punch.  
Before Rodney could answer, Frank popped up behind Cain, grabbed his raised hand, and held it behind his back. In his shock, Cain let go of Rodney, who took a step back feeling mightily relieved as he cast a sheepish look at Bernice. She responded with a relieved look in her eye, but she still was stood rigid on the stage, mid dance.  
“What the…?” Cain muttered, shifting out of Frank’s grasp, and barrelling around to face him.  
Rodney sidled back to his table while Cain was distracted.  
“Yaw a right popeye there, aren’t ya fella? Where’d yew spring from?.... Awstraylia? Why don’t you just wind your neck back in, old fella, and go entertain the ladies with your didgeridoo eh? Ha ha ha ha” Cain said, laughing mockingly, pushing Frank away.  
Frank stumbled and fell back, standing on someone’s toes. “Ow!” a lady cried. He expected to find his rear end meeting with the sawdust, and thrust his arm out to soften the blow. “Oh! Frank, I didn’t know you still cared” a lady’s voice said, as Frank’s hand blindly prodded into her bosom.  
“What the…?” Frank muttered, as he felt soft womanly arms clutching at his waist.  
As she couldn’t support his whole weight, he still dropped to the floor, but with less of a shock than if she had not been behind him. Frank looked up sheepishly to see who his heroine was and smiled softly.  
“Ah, Megan. Much appreciated darlin. What would I do without yew?” Frank said. Megan gave him a wry smile in reply, and gave him space to get himself up. As she stood straight, she looked across the bar and saw Charity stifling a laugh. Megan felt her cheeks colour and she glared at Charity.  
Charity just smiled and raised her eyebrows at her in response. As Megan turned back towards the rest of the punters she saw Tracey, who gave her a sympathetic look.  
“Now is there any more of yew knights in shinin’ armour that want to take me on?” Cain said, threateningly looking around the whole saloon. “Is there?” he taunted. “Cause I’m ready for a fight if ya want one. C’mon on now. What, no one?” he asked.  
“NO ONE?!” he bellowed, as no one had dared say anything to him.  
Everyone remained silent, trying not to catch his eye.  
Just at that moment Eric pushed through the swing doors that led to the latrines. “What the blazes is going on in here lad? I could hear a right old kerfuffle from back there!” he said, striding forward towards Cain, puffing out his chest to make himself appear braver than he actually felt.  
“A KERFUFFLE ??!” mocked Cain. “What kinda word is that old man? Why don’t yew just speak plain ol eenglish to me gran-pah?” he growled, spitting on the sawdust as he said the last word.  
“Look, come on now lad, fair’s fair and all that eh, everyone just wants a bit of piece and quiet while they’re supping their ales, and watchin’ these fine ladies entertain us” Eric said, casting his arm out in the direction of the saloon girls.  
Kerry glared at him ‘Why is Eric drawing attention to us man?’ she thought. ‘Jus leave us outta it alright’. She caught Dawn’s eye, which told her her feelings were much the same too.  
“EN-TER-TAIN us?” Cain shouted. “These ‘fine ladies’ as yew call them, I’ve seen them out there” he said, pointing towards the main street. “Out there, they are not so fine, out there they are….”  
“Alright Cain love, we don’t need to hear this” Faith butted in.  
Cain twirled around on the spot trying to work out where his mothers voice was coming from. He couldn’t see her anywhere in the saloon.  
“Wha? Where the blazes are yew? What table have you crawled out from? Yew shoulda just stayed there, with the other vermin” he said, pulling a face as though he had a bad taste in his mouth.  
“That’s no way to speak to your mother! Have some respect lad!” Eric said, now getting cross with him.  
Faith appeared from the back room, smiled her thanks at Eric but said “Jus leave him Eric, there’s no talking sense to him when he’s like this, three sheets to the wind”.  
“And then some” Charity muttered, under her breath. ‘He’ll be praying at the porcelain bowl before long’ she thought. It smelt like he’d sunk a full bottle of whisky before he came rolling in ere.  
Faith motioned for Eric to join her in the back out the way, and he carefully backed out of the saloon public area to join her.  
“That’s it, you run away ol fella while ya still can!” Cain said threateningly, turning away from Eric and letting him go.  
Again, everyone else remained silent, trying not to catch his eye and agitate him further.  
Charity stayed in her dominant stance behind the bar, but still she said nothing.  
Cain had actually come into the saloon to confront her, but she could wait, he was in the mood to torment a few more of the punters first.  
A lady coughed nervously.  
“Can I help yew madame?” Cain said sarcastically. “Now where are yew hidin’? Raise yaw hand little lady” he said, his eyes scouring the saloon for the source of the cough.  
No one moved or spoke.  
“I SAID RAISE YOUR HAND LITTLE LADY!” Cain bellowed to the punters. “I won’t hurt yew if yew do as I say!” he said.  
Tentatively a lady poked her head out from under one of the small round tables, and cautiously raised her hand in the air.  
It took a little for Cain to focus his eyes on her, but then he saw her.  
“Stand up little lady! I won’t bite” he said.  
The lady stood, her legs shaking, and she held onto the table with both hands to steady herself.  
“I thought I said, raise yaw hand, little lady?” Cain questioned.  
The lady firmly raised one hand in the air, trying to now appear more confident than she felt.  
He went over to her and leant in close to her face, she visibly stiffened. The stench of his breath made her want to retch.  
“Yes miss, can I help you?” Cain asked.  
The lady shook her head.  
“I’m sorry. I can’t hear yew? I said CAN I HELP YOU MISS?” he shouted.  
“No thank you Cain, I’m okay” she said.  
“Well why do you have yaw hand in the air, miss?” he said, hissing on the last word. “That’s what them teachers taught us at school, wasn’t it miss? To raise our hand if we wanted something?” he sneered at her.  
It was at times like this that Laurel really craved an alcoholic drink. If nothing else she could throw it in Cain’s face, as much as wanting something to steady her nerves.  
A lady hiding next to Laurel now stood up and said “C’mon Cain, that’s enough now. Stop bothering Laurel for no reason. What have you really come in here for?”  
Cain squinted his eyes trying to focus on who was daring to challenge him. “Harriet?” Cain said going over to her. “Is that you darlin’? I thought I had lost you to God?” he said, as he put his hands out to embrace her.  
“You lost me a long time ago remember? You’re with Moira now Cain!” Harriet said, pushing him away, getting exasperated with him.  
“Moira” Cain muttered.  
“Yes, you know, she doesn’t stand for any of your nonsense? She works hard up at that farm too. You’re lucky to find someone who’ll put up with your antics!” Harriet said, keeping her arms out in front of her to make Cain keep his distance from her and Laurel.  
“Yeah” Cain said, as he looked down at the floor, looking forlorn.  
He paused for a moment, and everyone in the saloon was still quiet, holding their breath and waiting to see what he did next.  
Cain looked up again, scanning the public area for a free stool to sit on. Well most of them were free, as their previous occupants were hiding under their tables still.  
Cain sauntered over to where Marlon and Paddy were unsuccessfully trying to crouch under their table. There was an audible intake of breath from the both of them together, as Cain decided to sit at their table and rest his legs.  
“I miss my old dog” Cain said. “He was a faithful ol thing, went everywhere with me” he said talking to no one in particular, as he absentmindedly began stroking Paddy’s head as though he was stroking his old dog.  
Paddy froze and the panic in his eyes matched Marlon’s from earlier.  
“He used to lay in front of my ol chair, and let me rest my feet on his back” Cain said, picking his feet off the sawdust floor, and resting them in the crook of Marlon’s back.  
Marlon held his breath and dared not move a muscle.  
“Yeah. Then we’d sit like that for hours, and both fall asleep” Cain said, a slight smirk curling the edge of his lips.  
Charity could barely hold her laughter in. Cain was up to his old tricks again, taunting Paddy and Marlon who he knew wouldn’t dare to move.  
Cain tipped his head back, cocked his hat over his eyes, and rested his hands in his lap.  
Paddy relaxed slightly.  
Cain still had his feet rested up on Marlon’s back however.  
Marlon tried just with his facial expressions and moving his head, to signal to Paddy to take his chance now and get Cain’s weapon’s off him.  
As reluctant as he was to be the hero, Paddy did want this situation to end soon, not least because he’d drunk rather too much ale and really needed to visit the public restroom.  
Just as Paddy went to move from under the table, Cain moved his hand back to his head and stroked it again, saying “There there ol thing, it’s just a bad dream boy, don’t be restless” .  
“Ha ha ha ha haaaa uh uh uhh ha ha ha haaa” Charity laughed, she could contain it no more, as she bent over double with laughter causing herself a stitch.  
Cain instantly pinched his hat between his thumb and forefinger and flung it in the direction of the bar.  
“Ow!” Ryan shouted, as it clipped the top of his head in its travels.  
It landed on the floor at the foot of the bar however, but only succeeded in making Charity laugh for longer.  
“What IS going on in ere?” Chas said, coming through from the back bleary-eyed. “I was trying to have a kip.”  
“Cain what the heck are you up to now, for pity’s sake?” she said, looking exasperated at her brother once again causing mischief and mayhem in her saloon. “Why haven’t you thrown him out yet Charity?” she said looking at Charity for some explanation. “We do run this saloon together you know? I thought I could leave you in charge while I have a rest?” Chas said.  
“Sorry babe, I was enjoying the spectacle too much. I would’ve stepped in if he’d started fighting. He’s just been taunting everyone really” Charity said.  
“And you enjoy watching our punters being tormented do you?” Chas asked her.  
“Well….” Charity said “It has been quite fun seeing Paddy and Marlon being treated like dogs, ha ha ha” Charity said, laughing.  
“They are family you know?” Chas said.  
“Yeah, and?” Charity said.  
“Everyone’s fair game with you aren’t they?” Chas said.  
“Don’t stress babe, it’s only a bit of fun. You know Cain, he comes in all gung-ho but he’s ‘armless really. The amount of whiskey he’s sunk he’ll be comatose before long anyway so we can prop him up outside then to sleep it off” Charity said, shrugging her shoulders at Chas.  
While they were talking Cain had moseyed on up to the bar and was stood quietly watching them from the other side.  
“Oi! Barmaid! Can I get some service in ere?” he growled at them.  
“No Cain you can’t!” Chas said looking at him indignantly. “What is up with you? What is it you’ve really come in here for eh?”  
“SHE knows why I’m here!” he said, pointing his right forefinger accusingly at Charity.  
“Me? What have I done?” Charity said, genuinely not having a clue what Cain was going on about.  
Chas rolled her eyes at Ryan, who gave a wry smile in reply.  
“What have you said to him now Charity?” Chas said.  
“Babe, I honestly have no idea what he’s going on about this time.” Charity said.  
“I am with Moira now you know” he said, slurring his words.  
“Look babe, we’ll always have history cos of Debs, but really believe me, I have no interest in you ANY more Cain okay? I don’t know what it is you think I’ve done or said, I’m at a loss here!” Charity said, imploringly.  
Just as Cain was about to speak again, the entrance doors creaked as they swung open, and Rhona and Vanessa strolled in chatting.  
They stopped not far into the saloon however, when they saw most punters still crouched under their tables, and Cain swaying stood at the bar.  
“Babe, where’ve you been? I’ve missed you!” Charity called to Vanessa.  
“Missed me?” Vanessa muttered. “I’ve only been gone half hour we were chatting to the farrier” she said, exchanging a bemused look with Rhona.  
“Ah but I still missed ya babe, come here” Charity said, coming out from behind the bar at last and skirting past Cain to where the women stood.  
Vanessa and Rhona could see Cain was carrying weapons and were a bit unsure what Charity was up to, and what they had now walked in to.  
Charity put her hands on Vanessa’s face and drew her in for a kiss “Mmmmwah” was heard as Charity planted a kiss on Vanessa’s lips.  
Usually Vanessa wouldn’t want to turn down a kiss from Charity but she didn’t think her timing was quite right here, and she looked at Charity slightly bemused. Charity looked earnestly at her trying to convey with one look ‘Just trust me here okay?’  
“I see what you’re trying to do Charity but it won’t wash with me!” Cain said.  
Cain walked up to Rhona and started prodding his finger on her forehead “Are you in on this too? You women you’re all in cahoots!” he said.  
Rhona tried to back away from him but he kept reaching out and jabbing his finger at her.  
“Cain! Jesus!...what the heck are you on about?” Rhona shouted.  
“You know” he said, accusingly.  
Cain turned as someone tapped him on the shoulder. “Who?...” he said looking around at who wanted a fight with him now. He looked down slightly and saw Vanessa glaring at him.  
“Leave my friend alone Cain!” Vanessa said to him.  
“Or what?” he said “What will YOU do about it?” Cain taunted.  
“This!” Vanessa said, and punched him in the groin.  
Cain doubled over in pain “Arrghh ahh ahh god almighty, you vicious wench. Wait til I get you…” he said, starting to go after her after she sprinted out of his way, but his groin pain stopped him moving.  
Charity was so proud of Vanessa. She couldn’t believe what she’d just done to Cain. “Ha ha ha haa oh my word Ness that was brilliant, bullseye!” she said as she followed Vanessa around the back of the bar.  
Cain was quick behind them and Charity blocked him so he couldn’t get behind the bar. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Vanessa scrambling up on top of the bar to gain plenty of height above Cain.  
Now that she was up there Vanessa wasn’t sure of her next move. It was a lot higher than she had anticipated and Cain was grabbing at her ankles as she tried to stay out of his reach on the bar. Ness looked imploringly at Charity to rescue her.  
The entrance doors squeaked and all eyes turned to see who was coming in.  
“CAIN DINGLE! Get yourself back home now!” a woman bellowed.  
Cain stopped still one hand on the bar trying to focus his eyes on who it was shouting at him.  
“CAIN? Did you not hear me?” the woman shouted again. “Stop bothering all the womenfolk eh they all know you’re with me now. They’ve all had enough of you. Heaven knows I don’t know why I still put up with you, but eh, there’s just something about you that makes me want to keep ya….for now at least” Moira said.  
“Moyyyraa” Cain slurred.  
“Oh you found meee” he said.  
Moira walked up to him, and took his elbow to lead him away. She looked apologetically around the saloon. “As you were everyone. We’ll let you enjoy the rest of the day in peace. C’mon now Cain, let’s get you to bed” she said, as they walked out of the Woolie together.  
Charity winked at Moira, and she just glared back at her.  
“Charitee” Vanessa hissed at her.  
Charity looked up at her love still stranded on the bar top. “Oh yeah sorry babe” she said holding her arms up to her. Vanessa bent down and let Charity scoop her off the bar and put her feet back on the sawdust floor. Vanessa gave Charity a quick peck on the cheek to thank her, and then they embraced.  
“Mummy?” said a little boys voice from the back room.  
“Johnny!” Vanessa said breaking off from Charity and looking at her son.  
“Why were you standing on the bar mummy? You always tell me not to climb up on things!” he said.  
“Mummy just wanted to see what it was like being tall for a moment, didn’t you Mummy?” Charity said, winking at Vanessa. Vanessa rolled her eyes at Charity, and led Johnny back into the private area of the saloon.  
There was a lot of groaning as the punters unfurled their bent up bodies and regained their seats at their tables.  
Sam stood up and swiped his hand clipping the back of Paddy’s head, who in turn did the same to Marlon!  
“Boys boys boys, play nicely” said Charity watching them in amusement.  
“If you play nicely” she said “I might throw you a ball later” she said. “Ha ha ha ha haaa”.

\---


End file.
